7 Things in 7 Days

Last Wednesday our family doubled in size as we took in a sibling group of 4.  Tonight, as a couple, we sat down and discussed what we have learned in these few short days.

  1. Simple things to us, may be completely unknown to foster children in our home.  Examples from the past 7 days, sewing, ironing, smoking a rack of ribs, homemade cooking for most meals, and going to Chick-fil-A to eat.  All of which our new kiddos had never seen nor experienced….Yes, we said they had never experienced Chick-fil-A!
  2. You can get all the training in the world on how to serve ‘foster children’, but what about the training for challenging ‘biological children’ who clearly outshine any foster child in the behavioral category?!?
  3. Professionals will schedule appointments at the last moment, seriously, phone call at 4:00 PM needing to come by ‘today or tomorrow’.  Appointment occurred at 5:30 PM.
  4. We as parents are way more efficient parenting 6 then we ever were only parenting 2.  We believe this boils down to survival of the fittest, if you are not efficient, you will be overrun by legions of small children, piles of laundry, toys in abundance, and much, much more, in short you will dieeeeeeee!!
  5. Doing homework with four children turns our dining room into a small Sylvan Learning Center, seriously, maybe we should franchise one into our home?  (**sidenote** Keith thinks it is extremely hot watching his wife operate in her professional skill set as a teacher, dang that woman is smart and patient!)
  6. Sam’s Club, Wal-Mart, Braum’s and other local grocery stores now own all of our money.  If only stock options came with each purchase–we would own a majority share within months!  Seriously, 6 kids can destroy a lottttttttttt of food.
  7. As a parent of 6, it is perfectly okay to not only be ready for bed at 9:00 PM, but to go to bed at 9:00 PM.

Bonus:  We have been incredibly blessed and our hearts are full, more so, than we could have ever imagined!

– Howard Party of 8

We Needed a Father…

Since God has a Son of His own, and such a Son, how wonderful God’s love in adopting us! We needed a Father, but He did not need sons. Thomas Watson

Take a moment to let the quote above sink in. The Father did not need us, but He CHOSE us. He had an amazing Son. He had no reason or need to fill a gap or void in His life. He was already fulfilled, and yet, we needed a Father. Our foster care journey has never been about filling a void or need, it has always been about children needing a home. Our spiritual adoption causes us to act, our Father moves us to respond, and our lives will have no greater cause than to be poured out for those who need it most.

God didn’t need our sin, our brokenness, our rebellion, and our failure. He did not need our disrespect, our acting out, and our behavioral issues. But, He knew we needed a Father who could handle all of that and still love us, redeem us, and create all things anew in us.

He had a Son, but you and I were fatherless, so He chose us!

There are over 400,000 children in the Foster Care system nationally. You may not need a son or a daughter, but there are children and teenagers out there who need a home, a parent, a role model, a mentor–there are children who need to know that someone has chosen them.

Our adoption should always cause us to act and move as those who have been graciously and overwhelmingly adopted.

Are We Enough?

In a few short days we will welcome a sibling group of four into our home.  As we talked tonight, the fear, the anxiety, and the excitement began to sink in…..

Will we be good enough?

Will we love enough?

Will we trust enough?

Will we offer enough?

Will we BE enough for all six children in our home?

The journey that began in college over 12 years ago is coming to fruition.  We can see the path…Youth Pastor, Special Education Teacher, CPS Investigator, friends who have fostered, Adoption Coordinator, State Director, friends who have adopted, Mother’s Day Out teacher, biological children–each step taking us one step closer and preparing us furthermore for the journey that lies ahead.  No step unplanned nor unnecessary.  And yet, the question lingers, are we enough?  The answer–no.

The truth; He never called us to be enough, only to follow Him, as He is enough.

Father,

May you be enough for us and the children, both biological and foster, that you have called us to love, serve, protect, and care for.  We are inadequate, but you are always more than enough.  Thank you for the call, but even more for the journey.  Amen.

Adoption Disruption…Let’s be Honest

Let’s be honest.  God is perfect, His character is perfect, His creation was intended to be perfect….but, WE created brokenness, confusion, selfishness and imperfection when WE, as humanity, made a decision in the Garden to choose that which was not good for us.  It was in that moment that the original plan, intent, and perfect creation of God was broken.  We did that, not God.  So, when the world is in chaos, disease is rampant, and nature is groaning, let us not blame or presume that it is God’s plan.  Instead, collectively we should own up to it; lay blame where blame is due…..on us.

In the ‘Christian’ Adoption & Foster Care world, one of the most overused and non-theological statements often utilized is, “We prayed about it and we feel God has released us from this child.”  Just today I spent 20-30 minutes listening to a fellow adoption co-worker share her heart, brokenness and righteous anger over a “perfect adoptive placement” that ended with “well, we prayed about it…”  Where does that fall in line with the character of God?  Don’t get me wrong, this is not a “throw stones at others” kind of thing.  I am very aware of my own sin, my own brokenness, my own selfishness, and the imperfect choices I have made.  This is more about, not bringing God into a conversation and/or giving him credit for something He is not about, such as adoption disruptions.  We cannot claim God wove the adoption together in one breath and in the next claim God has released us from such a commitment, because let’s be honest, it just didn’t work out for you, your spouse and/or your family.  Every broken placement, failed adoption, unfulfilled promise creates further trauma in the child whom ultimately is the one to carry the load of consequences for such broken choices.  So, please don’t hide behind the God card because it is convenient and gives you peace.

So, what do I tell adoptive families currently in training?  I simply tell them that if they ever get to a place humanly that they make the choice that a child can no longer stay in their home then I need them to tell me humanly why they are making that decision.  Please do not bring God into that conversation, because tossing aside the “least of these”, “fatherless”, and the “orphan” is not part of God’s DNA.  It simply does not match up with the God of Scripture or the Redeemer of the Gospel.  So, own up to it.  Humanly admit where you are at.  That is the place where true and open dialogue can begin.

God’s original plan was broken by us, and since then, He has been on a path of rescue, redemption, restoration, and adoption.  None of which align with the statement, “We prayed about it and God has released us…”  That statement aligns with the popular belief that whatever God calls us too should fit neatly into our lives without any mess, any consequence, any hardship, or any heartbreak.  Which, if you’re wondering, also doesn’t match up with the God of the Gospel.

25 Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: 26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. 27 And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.

28 “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? 29 For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, 30 saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’ Matthew 14:25-30

Count the cost friends…because, there are children, in need of adoptive homes, counting on you.

****As a professional in the child welfare field I have seen times when an adoptive placement has broken down for some pretty damaging reasons, such as sexual abuse, physical abuse, reactive attachment disorder that was previously undiagnosed and several other reasons.  This post takes all of those things into account and is not meant to be a blanket statement over every adoption disruption, but more of a call to all who would consider the adoption path.  Be mindful of what God is calling you to, commit to that, and pray.  But, ultimately if it breaks down, evaluate that breakdown, humanly accept it, and never blame or give credit to God for the disruption.  He is perfect and He makes perfect choices; we are imperfect and we make imperfect choices.

As Those Who Are Called…

This field will jade you. It will chew you up, spit you out and leave you sitting on the curb, spent. As a result, we attempt to poorly insulate ourselves, we learn to cope, we learn to deal with the evil and abuse around us, trying somewhat to disconnect just enough so we can find peace in the midst of the continual storm. And then, a child comes along and her story penetrates and smashes through every attempt of self insulation. Her hurt reawakens the primal and spiritual anger we should feel every time we hear about a child touched, a child abused. A holy indignation arises from our soul, an indignation that is aligned with the heart of the Creator…..and, in that moment we feel, we hurt, we mourn, we ask questions, we scream, we feel hopeless, we feel angry, and we should because every time a child is hurt or touched in a harmful way, I’m positive the Creator feels it too. I’m positive the Creator weeps, mourns, screams, yells, and is filled with anger. And, every time this happens, we are reminded of the evil and brokenness that is so prevalent in our society….the evil and brokenness that even wages war against our own souls — trying to steal, kill and destroy everything the Creator has worked so hard to create in me, in you, in this world. It is good to feel this way, it is good to be reawakened, it is good to feel the blood rapidly course through our veins as we grapple with such hurt and brokenness.

It is also good to be reminded, that for some reason, you and I were called into this place, into this field, into this brokenness. It is not by chance we find ourselves here; the Creator knew. He knew you and I would align with His heart and His emotion for these children. He knew we would get it. He knew amidst our grandest attempts to insulate ourselves that our core, our DNA, our soul would be awakened time and time again to feel, touch, sense, and hear our children’s stories. But, it wouldn’t just stop with hearing and seeing; He knew we would act. So, we find ourselves daily standing in the storm with evil and brokenness swirling around us, and we are given the task to move, respond, love, and create hope. We are given the task to climb up to the highest point and scream out, “Evil will never have the last word! NEVER!!” So, that is what we do, when evil and brokenness arise, we arise to answer them, not armed with answers, but with Hope, Faith, Love, and Belief that the Creator will redeem and restore. While the rest of the world zooms by, trying to turn their face away, we stop and answer the call, because it is who we are.

This field will jade you. It will chew you up, spit you out and leave you sitting on the curb, spent….and yet, the Creator, the children, the brokenness are all calling out for you. May we stand as individuals awakened and united to charge into the storm as those who are called and created to meet evil with hope, knowing the Creator goes with us, so that evil will never have the last word. Never!!

**These are some brief thoughts I wrote down while wrestling through some emotions/anger, etc. I was having regarding the story of a child we recently took into our emergency children’s shelter. May we all be reminded of the call, in the midst of complete brokenness….stay the course and be encouraged; Love wins, Hope wins, the Creator wins!

Not All Are Called, BUT All Are Called

Let us explain…We do not believe everyone is called to be a foster parent or even an adoptive parent, but we do believe EVERYONE is called to DO SOMETHING.

“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” James 1:27

There is not a lot of wiggle room in this verse, ‘pure and faultless is this…” So, if all are called, how can all be involved?

  • Prayer – Absolutely the #1 thing you can do is pray.  Pray for the ‘fatherless’, the ‘orphan’, and the child in foster care.  Pray that they would experience hope, healing, stability, and love.  Pray for the families on the foster care or adoption journey.  Ask God to encourage them, uplift them and provide for them.  Pray for the biological families that no longer have their children.  Ask God to redeem, heal and restore their broken lives. Pray for the case workers, social workers, agency workers, and state workers.  Their job is a selfless one and usually has high ‘burnout’.  Consistency in this piece is essential to consistency for the children they serve.  So, PRAY!
  • Support – We can almost guarantee you a local foster family would LOVE to have support from their friends, family, and church members.  They already understand their the ‘crazy ones’, but they sure would love for people to understand and accept their so-called ‘craziness’.  So offer support via becoming an approved babysitter for them, becoming an approved respite care provider, taking them a meal, being a listening ear, and most importantly affirm they are on the right path and not just crazy!  **most states have requirements for babysitters/respite care workers for foster children and most families do not like asking their families/friends to go through the process, be proactive and offer, so they never have to ask.
  • Awareness – Educate yourself regarding the needs of local and global orphans.  Find ways to plug-in and be a part of the solution.   Engage local agencies and learn more about their heart and their passion for serving children.  There will always be ways to volunteer, provide support, and help create more awareness.  The Christian Alliance for Orphans website has a million resources to educate and engage, www.cafo.org. So grab a cup of joe and start the awareness journey.  **be careful or you might become one of the ‘crazy ones’.

As God’s adopted children, we believe taking care of the child in foster care and the global orphan is a part of our spiritual DNA.  Unfortunately, without exposure to the need many people never experience an awakening of that part of their spiritual make up, and yet, we are all called.

We guarantee you somewhere in the world tonight a child prayed, “God, help me..”  Your adopted DNA is awakening and yearning to do something, so go do it, another child can’t wait.

 

Foster Care..Really?

Often times when individuals or couples talk about their decision to become a foster parent they hear things like,

“I couldn’t do that. I could never love a child and then have to give them back.”
“Oh, that takes a special person.”
“You’re a better Christian than me.”
“It takes a strong person to do that.”
“But, what about your own children?” and “Why?”

Here are a few of our thoughts regarding such statements.

We are not special, nor better Christians.  In fact, our brokenness, failure, and lack of being a ‘perfect Christian’ has often times paralyzed us from moving forward.

We believe it will hurt like CRAZY to “love and release,” but if we do not do it, then WHO will?

We believe all we have is from God and belongs to God; including our home, our resources and even our CHILDREN.  So why would we shelter them–when God has given us the opportunity to expose them and teach them to live out their faith visibly and wholeheartedly?

We believe obedience is never easy, comfortable, convenient, nor safe.

As for the “Why?”

We believe our story is one of adoption and as adopted children of God, we must live out the love, mercy, grace, hope, and adoption that has been given to us. (Romans 8, Gal 4:5-6)

We believe it is mandated in Scripture for followers of Christ to take care of the “least of these,” “fatherless,” and “orphan” in some form or fashion. (Matt 25:31-46, James 1:27, Psalm 68:5-6)

We believe God has continually broken our hearts for and exposed us to children who need someone to love and protect them, while giving them a safe place to heal.

And, then there is the current Need,

  • Approximately *400,000 youth in the United States will go to bed tonight in a Foster Home, Emergency Shelter, Residential Treatment Center, Psychiatric Hospital or even in the office of a state case worker.
  • Approximately *101,000 youth are lingering in the foster care system, waiting to be adopted.
  • Approximately **600,000 youth are served in the U.S. foster care system every year.

The numbers are HUGE and such numbers are sometimes hard to wrap our minds around.  So, we went searching for the need in our own city and we found that there are over 360 youth in Foster Care, and within a 2 hour radius of our house, there are over 1,000 youth in foster care from all the surrounding communities combined.  That is our backyard, our community, and our children.

We are imperfect, inadequate, and not really special at all.  But, we have a Father whose heart breaks for these children and He seeks to find strong, loving, and safe homes for each and every one of them.

A local Pastor recently prayed, “Father you are the author of a better story…”  We believe this and we believe our lives are the tangible pages that He seeks to write His story on.  We also believe children in foster care deserve the opportunity to have their ‘better story’ written——It is our hope and prayer that our family may provide the pages for such a story as we move past ourselves to love and serve others

*http://www.acf.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/cb/afcarsreport20.pdf

**http://www.acf.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/cb/trends_fostercare_adoption2012.pdf

 

 

 

The Evolution of a Statement

“Someday we want to adopt.” This statement surfaced while we were dating in college, but honestly, we knew nothing about such a thing, seriously NOTHING!  It was just something cool & sexy to say.  It was our, “hey we are college kids and one day we will save the world” statement. Extremely naive.  Yet, that is where our foster care journey began. 

A few years later we found ourselves married and embracing the grown up life.  Staci was a Special Education Teacher in a lower income, predominantly Hispanic school and Keith was working as an Investigator for Child Protective Services.  As a couple, we were being immersed in the brokenness of abuse and neglect.  The reality of our college statement began to sink in.  We were starting to grasp how parental choices wreak havoc on children’s lives and it began to wake us up

Our experiences would continue both professionally and personally over the next several years as we were continually exposed to children and families in crisis, all of which, changed the cool, sexy, save the world lingo into hard, messy, real life experiences. 

These ‘real life experiences’ helped evolve the statement from “someday we want to adopt” into our current question of, why don’t we become foster parents and give children a safe home for a season in their lives?

We now find ourselves back where we began, two hearts determined to let their lives count, but this time we understand what we are saying. We have counted the cost, we have seen the children’s faces, we’ve heard their stories, we have been challenged by the Gospel and instead of idealistically talking about it, we are ready to live it out. 

Not for us, but for the children who need someone-ANYONE-to stand in the gap for them. It is no longer sexy, but real life.  And, this time it feels so right.

Kingdom Come

Over the past several years I have read quite a bit in regards to the “theology of adoption”, but today I visibly caught a glimpse of the “theology of foster care.” In preparing to be a foster family we have had several conversations with our oldest daughter (she’s 6) about the journey and path we are on and how it will differ from the adoption path. Things such as,

children will stay with us while their mommies and daddies learn to make better choices,
they may only be with us for a few short weeks or months,
we will probably have the chance to serve several children through our family,
we probably won’t have the opportunity to adopt any of the children who come through our home.

And yet, today she asked something about her “brothers and sisters”. My civilized child welfare instincts wanted to correct her and explain again that they won’t be “brothers and sisters, because we are not adopting them…” But, the Spirit checked my heart and mind and basically whispered, “she get’s it…..she understands that every child who enters this house is her brother and sister.” And, then I got it. We are all living, breathing children of the King and because of that we are intertwined as “brothers and sisters”.

Her heart is pure, it hasn’t been ‘civilized’ yet.  It loves, believes, and takes risks as it should. In fact, her heart is probably closer to the Kingdom than my own and for that I am so thankful.

Father, may your Kingdom come right here in our home and may we embrace all who enter as our brothers and sisters in Christ.

“Can we really do this?”

As we cleaned out our fourth bedroom, affectionately known as the temporary storage room, that was the question that came up. The easy, superficial answer would be ‘yes’. My professional answer would be ‘yes, why of course we can….trust me I’ve worked with plenty of foster parents.’ But, the deep, deep answer from the human soul is, ‘no’. We, in and of ourselves, cannot do this. We do not have the ability to love that deeply, trust that greatly, and hurt that openly. BUT, the One who has called us into this journey does. He loves deeply, He trusts greatly, and He shows us how to hurt openly. So, can we really do this? Yes! Yes, He definitely can do this through us.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9